What is it about Vicky, Christina and Juan Antonio that makes me want to book a first class ticket to Barcelona and live the life that I think that I am going to live? Could it be all the Chivas I drank watching the movie and writing this post? Or is it my quest for a love/truth of something different in relationships that brings me to review my pattern and discontent.
For the past couple of years I have had a number of love affairs, this is my illustrious pattern. My grandmother, the wise woman that she was, told me at a young age that I should have a man in every port. I don’t know if this is a blessing or a curse. I get excited to play out my fantasies to know how my dreams feel. OOOh the earth shattering thrill of aesthetic impulses. But this feeling, as most, are fleeting. As my friends accumulate plastic colored toys and a list of annoyances of their other half, I accumulate air miles and thinning bedposts.
Nonetheless in the last 6 months I have had this annoying little nagging feeling that I should “settle down”… I know I know, but my idea of settling down is not posting up and playing wifey… my idea is something different. At the current moment I flip flop between being able to have all my love affairs while simultaneously having a primary man to cozy up to and share all those things that people do in those relationships (whatever it is that you do). Moreover this relationship that I am manifesting is a relationship that fires the individuality of the individual… not the coupledom of the couple. To walk on two paths side by side and to have the faith that no matter what the other is doing they will continue to walk their path. In this I imagine a mutual growth, ebb and flow, a fire and airflow that is going to keep that relationship vibrant….what’s love got to do with it? I also want to know how these relationships are going to add to my quest to find truth in my life. Seek. A. Truth. It is in this light that I am compelled to challenge myself to explore what is my truth. What makes me most human? The desire of such experience and how love plays with the truth? My truth of love. He should also fuck like Christian Grey.
Maybe this is just a fancy way of saying I want to have my cake and eat it too.