love laurie

Category: insight

I am drowning in the excess of many men yet starving for the attention of one. Why is it that the one we cannot have feels like the only man that matters? I am egoically propelled on the hamster wheel of consumption yet longing for the one who can throw a wrench in the cog. STOP. This jolt would stop my path of destruction. I am walking among the land of excess: society wants more, I want more, and everyone wants more. More than what we have.

In this state of mind, I am tired. I am tired of wanting more. I am tired of waiting for someone . I am tired of wanting someone to want me. I am frustrated and find myself staring off in the distance in tears wanting to tell society to FUCK OFF. I haul my ass through this dull and placid city wanting to see more yet always disappointed in the outcome. Is it just me?

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Presently Practicing.

While in Kenya, a country where there is a shortage of food, I gained 15 pounds!   Ask me how I managed to do that, I will tell you that it just was not relevant to worrying about such mundane issues. However coming back to yoga practice after 6 months off loomed in my head like a far off grey cloud, leaving me wondering if it was going to rain, or just blow away. My greatest fear wasn’t the yoga itself; it was the thoughts about the 15 pounds that I had gained. And of course I am basing this reaction partly on my peers’ reaction to such a perceived life fail. Last year, while on a trip to Thailand, I got wickedly sick and lost 10 pounds from my already thin frame. Upon my return my peers and students praised the boney ribs gleaming from my thin frame. I could barley hold a posture but I looked good, apparently. Much of my time and effort in Vancouver revolved around how I looked and what other people thought of me…. What a waste of mental energy. In Kenya I was forced to be present in every situation because that is what one had to do to survive. I exercised my capacity to still my mind and I mediated on loving what is and being present with no expectations. Living among the poorest people in the world and watching and conversing with the nakedness of their being I realized how much I wear to hide myself. In the past I put on layer upon layer of things like thoughts and clothing to hide when really I should have been naked. Naked, floating down the stream of my life. Soooo much more liberating than counting yoga classes.

So with this new outlook, coming back to yoga practice was much easier than I thought (sometimes the thought of something is much more painful than the act itself). Within 10 minutes of me de-boarding a plane to Boston via London from Cape Town South Africa I found myself in my first Bikram Yoga class in 6 months. I felt good! The body loved the heat and the stretch. It was kind of like having a conversation with someone who feels familiar who you are getting to know, but know a little bit about already, it felt natural. I never pushed hard even when in the past I had been able to go deeper and I never suffered. I continued practicing yoga because I genuinely enjoyed it and it was exciting to get to know the body and mind from a place of presence rather than from a place of expectation. I whole-heartedly embraced my practice and body for where I was at that moment, in that presence. I think that is the key. Without the expectation of judgment of past or future, where I think I should be, or where I was, I was able to really enjoy myself. And I have to say I look awesome! It is soooo tiring to continually practice with the thought of past and future, give all that up and just love who you are. Right. Now.

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Presto Manifesto

On an unassuming night with my friend Bikes, at his music studio, he does what he does best, make me laugh and tell stories in long and drawn out prose. This evening his insightful and inquiring mind questioned me and, in essence, tried to make sense of his own journey from a break up. Having like minded individuals around to reflect our own ideas is paramount in this day and age, where the universe is propelling us to move forward beyond our own (mis)perceptions and limitations.

Nonetheless, he called me out on an old post here about how I wrote I would never get on a plane for a boy. He argued that this statement was from a place of heartache, break up and loss. Pointing out that this stance was not the intention of this blog, he rambled on about what it is one should do in the after math of a break up. The idea for this blog stems from a period in my life when I was too depressed to do anything, I laid on my bed of a million jaded little pieces longing to see things differently. I realized that the tunnel I was looking down was negative and into the past. I wanted to look forward and see more beauty, more life, more love and more truth. It is always my truth that I am seeking…. I am after all the author of my own life and if I want to see more of those things I have to create it. I set out to create self- amplified love; by writing in love laurie I am creating a universal unconscious triangle between what my perception is of events and the intention of my life with the overall affect of knowing and creating love (and all its associations). The name of this blog suggests it, when others just read the title “Love Laurie” that message is out. Call it selfish, call it genius, call it whatever you want it is working. I have the capacity to create whatever I want, and sometimes this is overwhelming, suffocating and liberating, but I would much rather live with the idea that anything is possible, than live in this little box that is imposed on us. I will embrace the freedom of uncertainty of putting my bold self out there for all others to read and push forward in my “presto manifesto” of love/truth/beauty/power.

An important point that came out of Bikes’ and my discussion was that in the face of heart ache, when your whole world has been shattered and the dullness of grey skies fill the void of nothingness how do you embark?
Do you open or close?
When reflecting and trying to sort out what went wrong do continue to open to the residual attack of arrows aimed at your heart and just stand there to let every last arrow puncture the heart in an attempt to be open. Or do you cower in a dark cloak protecting whatever is left of your broken heart, bitter and seething?

on longing

There is a certain romanticism of longing. A deep sense as I look from the depths of my soul across the glittering lights of a quiet night. I hold a rope and one hand after another, I am getting closer to this overwhelming suffocating all encompassing creature/feeling to wrap me in his blanket of assuredness kiss me on my head and lead me home.

yoga is…

yoga is what yoga does

Teaching yoga, advising the students on thier practice and watching them has allowed me the opportunity to witness a transformation. Students start the yoga with an intention, usually to improve the body, well being and getting back into shape. What they don’t know before they start is how self-reflecting the practice is. Students look at themselves through whatever lens is filtering their mind; self-loathing, self-loving, judging. It could be a mirage of deceptive perceptions of themselves they hide behind to make them feel safe. The ego lives behind this safety. Hatha yoga, any type of yoga in which their movement utilizes a group of asunas; Bikram’s included, is forcing and controlling the mind. Use the body to control the mind. So it is very likely in yoga class you will be looking, feeling, and experiencing a tug of war of the mind ego. The ego mind which refuses to let go of it’s strangle hold of deceptive perceptions which keeps you from experiencing more ______(insert satisfying life goal here)_____. Others easily push beyond their boundaries in a euphoric epiphany that hits them like a tonne of bricks, leaving them reflecting if it was that easy why didn’t I do this before? Working, concentrating and focusing on what the muscles the postures demand eliminates any room for your own ego to exist. It takes all your brain power to “hold it, freeze it, think of it” and that is the beauty of it. There is no space for anything else. Students frequently struggle. They advise teachers of their numerous aliments that they cannot heal, many have been certified by doctors, however I encourage those practioners to make peace with it, do what they can and not make a mountain out of a mole hill. The ego mind loves to make the body weak. Instead of perceiving this illness or injury as a wall, ask what this struggle represents for you in your life, ask if it is serving you as an abundant, healthy individual and move past it to what is just around the corner.