love laurie

Category: lovers

son of a preacher

On yet another unassuming afternoon in the farmers market I met up with my friend. Our conversation revolved around heartaches and heartbreaks. His latest lady friend seemed up to up and disappear only to reappear rolling around with another male, explanation absent.

The fragment of the story is familiar to many. Recently I had experienced a similar thing and I am still scratching my head at what happened?

We met each other other unexpectedly late in the summer and of course, I was not interested at all but something about the way he smelled and the way he smiled all star-eyed at me got me all curious. He brushed my leg as I cocked my head thinking who is this guy and what does he want? Later that night we were flying down Fraser in the middle of the night. The pavement was warm and steady providing a calm backdrop to the sparkles of the street lit sky. We rode hard and fast and when he turned back he underestimated my speed, as I was right behind him. I screamed his name as I hurtled into the air, over my bike and over his. Spread on the pavement, my adrenaline peaked and it was downhill from there.

Causally our little affair got exciting. I liked the way his collar smelled and his small affections. Text messages gave me butterflies and excited to be in his arms. We would lay in a dark room with a low-lit lamp circling the corner, exchanging worldviews and ideologies of people and places. Low music filled the spaces in between his fingers as he played with the lengths of my long blonde hair; my fingers smoothed the creases of his wrinkled forehead. We talked as if time stopped still. I didn’t want it to end. The peacefulness of his prose made me feel good about the world, those candied phrases come so easy from the son of a preacher.

However our affair took an unforeseen turn. I remember one week the ease and affection grew cold and hard. Texts ceased their command; the butterflies in my stomach sat idle and asked, “what gives?” One day I approached it and asked point blank if something had changed. Did he meet someone new?  He responded, “No I still feel the same as when I met you”. Later that night I saw him out and I knew like silk ribbon falling through my finger tips, he was gone and I would never see him again.

No matter how I try to put him out of my mind I think about him. I hear the clicks and creaks in the cranks from the crash.

I am drowning in the excess of many men yet starving for the attention of one. Why is it that the one we cannot have feels like the only man that matters? I am egoically propelled on the hamster wheel of consumption yet longing for the one who can throw a wrench in the cog. STOP. This jolt would stop my path of destruction. I am walking among the land of excess: society wants more, I want more, and everyone wants more. More than what we have.

In this state of mind, I am tired. I am tired of wanting more. I am tired of waiting for someone . I am tired of wanting someone to want me. I am frustrated and find myself staring off in the distance in tears wanting to tell society to FUCK OFF. I haul my ass through this dull and placid city wanting to see more yet always disappointed in the outcome. Is it just me?

love/truth

What is it about Vicky, Christina and Juan Antonio that makes me want to book a first class ticket to Barcelona and live the life that I think that I am going to live? Could it be all the Chivas I drank watching the movie and writing this post? Or is it my quest for a love/truth of something different in relationships that brings me to review my pattern and discontent.

For the past couple of years I have had a number of love affairs, this is my illustrious pattern. My grandmother, the wise woman that she was, told me at a young age that I should have a man in every port. I don’t know if this is a blessing or a curse. I get excited to play out my fantasies to know how my dreams feel. OOOh the earth shattering thrill of aesthetic impulses. But this feeling, as most, are fleeting. As my friends accumulate plastic colored toys and a list of annoyances of their other half, I accumulate air miles and thinning bedposts.

Nonetheless in the last 6 months I have had this annoying little nagging feeling that I should “settle down”… I know I know, but my idea of settling down is not posting up and playing wifey… my idea is something different. At the current moment I flip flop between being able to have all my love affairs while simultaneously having a primary man to cozy up to and share all those things that people do in those relationships (whatever it is that you do). Moreover this relationship that I am manifesting is a relationship that fires the individuality of the individual… not the coupledom of the couple. To walk on two paths side by side and to have the faith that no matter what the other is doing they will continue to walk their path. In this I imagine a mutual growth, ebb and flow, a fire and airflow that is going to keep that relationship vibrant….what’s love got to do with it? I also want to know how these relationships are going to add to my quest to find truth in my life. Seek. A. Truth. It is in this light that I am compelled to challenge myself to explore what is my truth. What makes me most human? The desire of such experience and how love plays with the truth? My truth of love. He should also fuck like Christian Grey.

Maybe this is just a fancy way of saying I want to have my cake and eat it too.

longing

I asked him why he played songs about unrequited love. He said *What else is there to sing about?

Talk the Talk

Dating in Vancouver. I don’t know about your luck, or maybe it is just me, but I have had some fun experiences lately. I had been dating a guy for a while when I finally decided that it was time to take matters into my own hands and bring up a very important issue. For me it is easier to passively let things slide in the name of love and sex but I had made a pact with myself that from the last ex forward I would no longer let my feelings, opinions and thoughts fester inside. It was time for me to talk about how I feel rather than just let things be. I had already lost many great opportunities in my past relationships to do that, and I think talking about what is on one’s mind is a great tool for personal and relational growth. So here I am, after a nice afternoon romp, I asked Johnny Boy why he doesn’t participate in vaginal foreplay. To which he replies, “I kind of like to just have sex”…. I am thinking all right, but that isn’t good enough and I replied, “well, you are kind of missing a whole part of getting down, Johnny you have to get down with the Vagina. Check it out. Get to know it. You are missing out a lot without it.” And there I had it. The talk that I needed to set myself free from shame of letting a guy get away with that kind of neglect! Needless to say I left that relationship about two weeks later.